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How To Really Love Your Child

Paul W. Newell
Adapted from Dr. Ross Campbell’s How To Really Love Your Child
© 1977 Victor Books

Does your child know you really love them? 

In our fast paced, commuter oriented culture sometimes it’s hard to know whether our words or actions are really getting through to our children.

I don’t just want my son and daughters to hear me say I love them; I want them to see and really know I love them – unconditionally. 

 Authorities on child development say that children who grow up confident of their parent’s unconditional love are more well adjusted, do better in school and are more likely to withstand peer pressure than children who grow up doubting that kind of affection.

How do I know if I am showing unconditional love? And what can I do to convey to my children such love?

Several years ago Terrie and I were given a copy of a wonderful little book by child psychiatrist, Dr. Ross Campbell, How To Really Love Your Child. It made a huge impression on our family.  We determined to put his perspective into practice in our home.

And though we have not always been as consistent as we would like, we are confident that our children know we love them unconditionally and accept them for the unique persons God made them.

In his book, Dr Campbell shares the “foundation of a solid relationship with our child is unconditional love.  Only that type of love relationship can assure a child’s growth to his full and total potential. Only this foundation of unconditional love can assure prevention of problems such as feelings of resentment, being unloved, guilt, fear, insecurity.”

Dr. Campbell goes on to explain that children mirror our emotions, especially our love. “They reflect, but do not initiate love. If love is given to them, they return it. If none is given, they have none to return. Unconditional love is reflected unconditionally, and conditional love is returned conditionally.”

Unconditional love does not mean unconditional acceptance of inappropriate behavior, quite the contrary, unconditional love challenges inappropriate behavior and models what is right. 

Also, unconditional love does not mean perfection. Let’s face it, sometimes we blow it as parents! What it does mean is that we are honest with our children, model forgiveness and  the willingness to seek forgiveness when we fail.

How do I know if I’m showing real unconditional love to my children?  They will reflect that unconditional love back to me!

In his book, Dr. Campbell shares four main areas that show genuine unconditional love to our child.

The first is eye contact. 

I have had to learn to really look at my kids when they talk to me. 

One day recently I tried to count the times I actually looked my children (and my wife) in the eyes.  The exercise caused me to look more often, but it also reminded me how easy it is to slip back into the habit of keeping my focus on other things.

When we look someone in the eyes we are telling them that, for that moment, they are the most important thing in the world to us.

The second area is focused attention. 

I am the world’s worst at splitting my attention.  These days it’s not the newspaper, it’s the computer or the mail or television.  When I take the time to focus completely on my child it means everything to them.  Remember the last time your child acted up? What were they trying to get? Probably your attention! 

Focused attention allows us to get into our children’s world. It shows them that they really matter.

Third, Dr. Campbell shares that our children need to experience physical contact. 

Hugging and kissing good-bye or good-night is a great start; however our children need to literally feel our presence constantly. A rub on the back, gentle touch, high-five, whatever works for you and your child – all of these convey that you want to be connected to your child.  Our healthy touches can model for our children what is acceptable and help them develop a sense for what is not. 

I read some time ago that everyone needs at least eight positive, physical touches every day to remain emotionally healthy.

Finally, Dr. Campbell writes, to show unconditional love we must focus on the positive discipline.

Discipline is not punishment.

Discipline is “training a child in mind and character” so that he or she will grow into the self-controlled, confident person God intended. Such discipline is a lot easier when our children feel genuinely, unconditionally loved. 

When we as parents continue to learn and grow in our understanding of how to shape our children as God intended, we show our children we love them.

At FamilyFellowship our desire is to develop a church environment that encourages families to grow closer and stronger.
Whether you are a couple parenting, a single parent or possibly a grandparent, we want you to know that we are on your side!

We invite you to learn more about FamilyFellowship.