"How To Be Your Spouse's, Child's or Friend's Best Friend"
Message Two In An Eight Part Series on Family
Presented by
Pastor Paul Newell
September 19, 2004

Read Pastor's article on How To Really Love Your Child by clicking here.

A man who has friends must himself be friendly, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.  Proverbs 18:24 (NewKingJames)

Some friends may ruin you, but a real friend will be more loyal than a brother.    Proverbs 18:24 (NewCenturyVersion)

This is the second week of our Extreme Makeover: Family Edition. Last week we discovered together the foundational truth upon which every relationship grows: mutual submission.

We found that every relationship whether husband and wife, child to parent, or even employee and employer involves submitting to each other.

We learned that submission is not being a doormat or being bullied. Submission is not just for wives and children, it’s for husbands and dads too. And it’s not about worthiness. We don’t submit because someone is worthy of our submission, because the only person that worthy is Jesus Christ. We submit simply because Jesus asks us to; we submit out of reverence and respect to Jesus.

What we learned what that submission is willingly putting someone else’s needs and desires before my own. Submission is voluntarily giving away my power for the benefit of another person.

And we learned the benefits of mutual submission: wives win over their husbands, husbands gain a treasured possession and their prayers are heard, children get to live long, blessed lives and parents get approval from God and the blessings that come from that approval.

We discovered that submission is foundational to building a strong, God-honoring and God blessed family.

Now we want to take that a step further and talk about what that submission will look like.

I don’t know about you, but I like it when someone paints me a picture of what they want.

It might surprise you to learn that Terrie and I get into “discussions” from time to time. Sometimes we don’t fully understand or acknowledge what the other person needs or desires. Sometimes we’re not very good at submitting to each other. When that happens, we usually end up in a “discussion” and eventually we hammer out what the real problem is. When we get to that point Terrie or I will usually ask the other “What would that really look like?” In other words, if I were to do what you need me to do, what would that look like, give me some examples. Paint me a picture.

This morning I want to paint you a picture, actually, it’s already been painted so we’ll just put it the picture together, but you get the point.

What does mutual submission really look like?

Another way to ask that is, how can we be our spouse’s, child’s, or parent’s best friend.

Our starting point in the Bible is found in Proverbs 18:24. It reads:

Some friends may ruin you, but a real friend will be more loyal than a brother. (NewCenturyVersion)

We have to be careful about the friends we choose in life. Someone once said, “You are who you are because of the books you read and the people you meet.”  [1] We can choose friends that will bring us to ruin. Another verse in the Bible tells us, “Bad friends will ruin good habits.” (1 Corinthians 15:33)

The wrong kind of friends can tear us down, on the other hand, being the right kind of friend and having the right kind of friends is pivotal to having a successful life.

So how can we be the kind of friend that builds up instead of tears down? The answer is in mutual submission and what it looks like. Let’s get started on the picture.

The first key to being a real friend is to LISTEN. [ear]

Proverbs 12:15 tells us, “Fools think they need no advice, but the wise listen to others.” In chapter sixteen it says,

Those who listen to instruction will prosper; those who trust the LORD will be happy. (Proverbs 16:20)

Twenty-nine times in the Book of Proverbs it tells us to simply listen! As a matter of fact, I did a word search and found that the word listen is found 591 times while the word talk is only used 209 times. That’s three times as many “listens” as “talks”. You think maybe God is trying to tell us something here?

What did our mothers used to tell us? We have one mouth and two ears so we should listen twice as much as we talk?

You want to be a friend to your family? Learn to listen. I mean really listen.

Our problem is we never really learned to listen, we learned to judge and to talk. It’s hard to listen.

Dr. Ross Campbell in his book, How To Really Love Your Child, states that focused attention is one of the basic ways we show our children (and others) that we love them.

What is focused attention? It’s giving the other person your “full, undivided attention in such a way that [they feel] without a doubt that [they] are completely loved…[that they are] valuable enough in their own right to warrant…undistracted, watchfulness, appreciation and uncompromising regard.” [2]

That’s really listening, not just with the ears, but with all that we are. Nothing makes someone feel more honored that when they are genuinely listened to.

It’s hard to listen and not think ahead. It’s hard to listen because real listening demands that we pay attention.

Dennis Rainey, (Staying Close[3]) talks about the styles of listening that we often fall into:

First, there is pseudo-listening, that’s when we fake interest, we’re not really there. We know we’re in this mode when there are a lot of “uh-huh”s while we’re focused on anything and everything but the listener.

Second, there is selective-listening, we only hear what we want to hear and block out the rest. Sometimes we can call this “bottom-line” listening. We don’t want to hear it all, just what we want.

Third, there is protective-listening, when we don’t want to ear much at all, especially if it is threatening. I think we call the “talk to the hand” listening.

Then, there is surface-listening. This happens when we listen just enough to keep the conversation going, but not enough to really understand. This is listening in the “shallow end of the pool”. It’s focusing more on the words than on the meaning behind the words.

What we need to do is really learn how to listen and that involves focused attention.

Dennis Rainey tells the story of a group of workmen who were storing huge blocks of ice in deep beds of sawdust in a dark ice house… “One of the workmen dropped his watch into the think sawdust and searched for it in vain for several days. Finally, a young boy offered to help him find it. Asking everyone else to remain outside, he went into the ice house and came out in just a few minutes holding the watch. “What happened?” said the incredulous workman. “How’d you find it so fast?”

“Simple,” said the boy. “I went to the middle of the room, put my ear down next to the sawdust, and listened.”

When we listen we need to detect the “ticking” of the other person’s heart and soul. That’s real listening.

We need to move on, but before we do, let me give you a few tips to become a better listener (as shared in Staying Close).

#1 – Eyeball-to-Eyeball – look at the person you are listening to.

When my kids were young they would try to talk to me while I was busy at my desk. I would do the proverbial “un-huh” line and keep working with half an ear listening to them. But when it was really important to them, they would come up to me, grab my face with their little hands and make me look them in the eyes!

Learn to listen with your eyes, not just your ears.

#2 – Practice active listening and understanding – put yourself into the conversation. That doesn’t mean that you are busy talking, it means you really want to listen.

Guys, pretend it’s a ball game on TV and you don’t want to miss any of the action. That’s how you should focus on your wife or child.

Active listening asks questions that help the talker to further explain what they are sharing. That doesn’t mean challenging questions either!

#3 (and this one is mine) Paraphrase. Repeat back to the other person what they just said. But repeat it back in your own words.

Gary Smalley calls this “fast food” communication. Remember the last time you pulled up to a drive-through. The conversation went something like this…

“Hi! May I take your order?”   “Sure, I’d like a hamburger, fries and a coke.”   “You want a hamburger, fries, and a root bear?”   “No, I want a hamburger, fries, and a coke!”   “OK, you want a hamburger, fries and a coke.”   “Yes, that’s what I want.”   “Would you like to super-size that?”   “No, but thanks for asking?”   “OK, that was a hamburger, fries, and a OK?”   “That’s right!”   “OK, pull ahead to the window and we’ll have it ready for you. And thanks for coming!”

Did you get it? One person listens, the other repeats back until they get it. Then they make sure that they really got all of it and there’s nothing else. It’s not challenging. No other agenda other than getting it right.

That’s paraphrasing.

The first key to being a real friend is to LISTEN. Now let’s continue with our picture.

The second key to being a real friend is to Labor. [hand]

There’s a great verse in the little book of First Thessalonians that talks about this kind of labor. The Apostle Paul is writing to this new church and telling them about his prayers for them.

“We give thanks to God always for you all, making mention of you in our prayers, remembering without ceasing your work of faith, labor of love, and patience of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.” (1 Thessalonians 1:2-3)

See that phrase in the middle, “labor of love”, the best I can decipher from the Greek here, it’s the idea of working really hard to the point of hurt – you know, when you get blisters on your hands!

Being a genuine friend means making the investment of yourself, and getting a few blisters at the same time.

One of the marks of being a genuine believer is that we work for and care about each other. Hebrews chapter six tells us, “For God is not unfair. He will not forget how hard you have worked for him and how you have shown your love [labor of love] to him by caring for other Christians, as you still do. Hebrews 6:10(NLT)

Friends do things for each other – they work on each other’s behalf.

When was the last time you did something simply because someone else needed you? Did you resent helping? Maybe you did, but at the same time I hope you realized that as you served your spouse or parent or child you were also serving God.

One of the keys to mutual submission is a servant’s heart, a servant’s attitude.

Servants don’t care who gets the credit, they just serve.

Servants don’t care if it’s hard or if their hands get blistered, they just serve.

The problem in too many families is that we all want to be served instead of serving. Dad’s too preoccupied. Mom’s too tired. Kids are too spoiled. No one wants to serve; we all want to be served.

Jesus said it this way, “Whoever wants to become the first among you must serve all of you like a slave.”  Mark 10:44 (NewCenturyVersion)

"The 48 Hour Test Drive"

We must learn how to labor. You want to see something really cool happen in your family? Try this: Determine that for the next 48 hours you are going to “out-serve” everyone else in your house. I mean, it doesn’t matter what it is, doing the dishes, rubbing someone’s feet, washing the car, mowing the yard, running an errand, it doesn’t matter – just start laboring out of love!

Try that for 48-hours and see what kind of response you get. And make sure you are serving more than being served. Then call me Tuesday evening and tell me what happened.

Here’s what will happen. You will get a few blisters in the process, but you will also begin to view your family in a more loving, caring way. It will change you and it might change your family.

Give your family the gift of your ears and your hands.

The third key to being a real friend is to Lead. [feet]

Now, don’t get me wrong, I didn’t say push and I didn’t say control, I said lead. This is where your feet come into play.

Did you ever watch a marching band in a parade? Terrie and I got to attend a Rose Parade years ago when we were dating. I really like the marching bands. I especially liked the cool dude at the front with the weird hat and stick. (Someone can correct me after church and tell me what those things are really called.) He was the drum major. He marched in front of the band and his job was to lead the beat. He paced and swung his baton and everyone else was to follow. He didn’t run behind them pushing them along. He didn’t beat them with his stick. He didn’t typically even face the band.

All he did was keep the beat, march in front and set the example. How cool is that?

People, that’s what we’re called to do. Simply keep God’s beat, march in front and set the example for others to follow.

A good friend is someone you can look up to and live up to.

I’ve used the illustration before, but it fits today. …

(Standing on a chair) Sometimes we have friends who, honestly, can drag us down. We want them to be where we are and we try desperately to pull them up, but the truth is it’s a lot easier for them to pull us down (have volunteer try to pull person off the chair) than it is for us to lift them up.

I want to have people around me that lift me up, not pull me down.

The Apostle Paul told his friend and protégé, Timothy, “Be an example to all believers in what you teach, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity.” 1 Timothy 4:12.  Elsewhere he said it this way, “Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.” 1 Corinthians 11:1

Be an example. LEAD.

A real friend lives right and does right so those around him will follow his example.

I don’t care if you’re the husband, wife, father, mother, or child, you can set the example. More times than I can count my kids have taught me the right thing to do: Terrie the same. They are my best examples. I’ve been rebuked and encouraged by the example of my family.

That’s what you should be and do – lead! Be the example.

What does mutual submission look like.

It looks like a set of ears that really listen, and learn.
It looks like a pair of hands that are willing to get blistered serving others.
It looks like two feet willing to take the lead and do what’s right – no matter what the cost.

LISTEN…LABOR…LEAD…

And finally,

The fourth key to being a real friend is to Love. [heart]

How did the Apostle Paul say it when he wrote the Corinthian church? “But even with all these things, if I do not have love, then I am nothing.” I Corinthians 13:2

Frankly, it doesn’t matter what we do if we don’t do it with love.

Mutual submission doesn’t happen without love. Jesus told us, “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends” John 15:13.  Real submission and sacrifice is the mark of genuine love.

I quoted Ross Campbell earlier from his book, How to Really Love Your Child, in that book he lays out four keys to really loving your child.

The first is eye contact. We’ve already mentioned that one. The second is physical contact. We all need loving touch. The third is focused attention. Another is proper discipline. And the last is appropriate love.

Appropriate love.

There are all sorts of inappropriate love happening in families today. [4]

There is possessive love that is all about control.

There is vicarious love that loves what we can accomplish through someone else

There is seductive love which only loves to get good feelings, either sensual or sexual from the other person.

There’s lots of inappropriate love in families today, almost every show on television dealing with families is a model of these inappropriate types of love.

What we need to determine is that we are going to model appropriate love – the kind of love Jesus Christ demonstrated for us: “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends” John 15:13

Sacrificial love is the only type of love that genuinely builds families. Love that is always for the benefit and welfare of the other person.

What does mutual submission look like? What does it mean to be a real friend to your spouse, child or parent?

It looks like this…

Like ears that are more interested in learning and listening (than a mouth to speak).
Like hands that are willing to serve, to labor, willing to do whatever it takes for the sake of the others in the family.
Like feet that want to lead by example and show the way when others might be wandering a little.
Like a heart that is big enough, tender enough, loving enough to give up it’s own way for those you love so much.

So here we go…

(1) Practice listening to each of your family members today. If there’s not enough time, finish tomorrow. When they talk – look at them, actively listen, paraphrase. Don’t stop until you really believe you’ve listened.

(2) Take the 48-hour servant's test drive. See how it works. If you’ve forgotten what to do, check out your notes.

(3) Simply do the right thing and be the example - #2 is a good place to practice #3.

(4) Do something, anything, TODAY, for each of your family that shows them you really love them.

There’s also some extra-credit for those of you who like the additional challenge. Don’t stop after 48 hours – try these four projects all week long. Extend them outside your family and report back what happens!

Let’s Pray.

Lord Jesus,

You’ve called us to be friends. You are our friend, You proved it by giving Yourself on the cross so that we could have our sins forgiven and receive Your eternal life. You submitted yourself so that we could have a relationship with you. We thank You for that!

Now we want to be that kind of friend to our own family. Forgive us for the times we simply get selfish and want everyone else to submit to us when we should be submitting to them. Forgive us for being self-centered when real joy and fulfillment comes from giving that control away.

This morning we commit these four projects to you. We will use our ears, our hands, our feet and our heart to love others.

AMEN
 

(c) Paul Newell 2004

FamilyFellowship Church

P.O.  Box 465, Beaumont, CA 92223

churchforfamily.com