 Family Matters -
God's Recipe for Great Sex - Part One
Genesis 1:26-27; 1 Corinthians 7:1-5
May 20, 2007
Pastor Paul W Newell
Intro: This talk began with Pastor Paul handing out 200 freshly baked chocolate chip cookies that he had made the previous afternoon.
So, I waited until the little ones were gone to bring these out. Don't you look at me that way, I bet all of you have hid food from your kids before - especially if it's good food and there are teenagers in the house!
We'll pass them around for everyone to share. There's even a bottle of water under your chair to finish off the meal!
I made these - it's hard talking with your mouth full of chocolate chips isn't it? I made these to illustrate a point about recipes! We'll get back to the point in a moment, for now, just enjoy the treat!
We have been working from a Bible verse found in Genesis chapter one for the past few weeks as we have taken on the topic of “Family Matters”. We’ve looked the last two weeks at how differently God made Man and Woman. When God created us, He did so to show us who He was. God placed a lot of His characteristics in us. He placed certain characteristics in Men, and others in Women. Together, Man and Woman make a powerful illustration of God’s characteristics or attributes – that is, unless we turn everything upside down and focus more on ourselves and our needs than on God shining through us to others.
We’ve discovered an obvious truth and that is: Men and women are different...
Men and women are different, and that is never more accurate that in the kitchen..., no, I mean the bedroom.
Well, if Terrie and I are any proof, we are definitely different in the kitchen – it took about twenty years to figure out not to mess with Terrie’s cooking, but then again, I’m a slow learner!
Seriously, men and women are different, and they are really different when it comes to the whole topic of sex.
Opps! I said it didn’t I. Some of you were wondering how long it was going to take me to actually say the word this morning.
It’s always amazed me how we are comfortable watching sex on TV or listening to the topic on almost every song on the radio today – but are afraid of bringing the subject up in church. Like we stated several weeks ago – the two places where sex should be a major topic of conversation is at home and at church!
Did you every stop and think that GOD DESIGNED SEX? God came up with the original recipe.
Those cookies you are eating are the original tollhouse recipe, this morning I want to talk about the original heavenly recipe for sex: sex that really cooks!
God designed sex. Somehow we sort of have the idea that God created Adam and Even and then the two of them ran off into the bushes and did something interesting. When they came out they said, “Hey God, guess what we can do...” and God relied, “Whoa! You can do that?”
Listen folks, God created Man and Woman to literally fit together. That was His design.
Sex began in heaven! God thought it up. He designed it and purposed it.
God purposed sex...
First, God purposed sex for our pleasure. In it’s perfect context, sex was intended for pleasure. Don’t even buy into the false idea that sex is all about procreation – it’s not. God created sex for pleasure. Want me to prove it? Song of Solomon...and every other passage in the Bible that talks about God’s purpose for sex – it’s always about pleasure.
Drink water from your own well—share your love only with your wife. Why spill the water of your springs in the streets, having sex with just anyone? You should reserve it for yourselves. Never share it with strangers. Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son, by an immoral woman, or fondle the breasts of a promiscuous woman? For the LORD sees clearly what a man does, examining every path he takes. An evil man is held captive by his own sins; they are ropes that catch and hold him. He will die for lack of self-control; he will be lost because of his great foolishness. Proverbs 5:15-23
J.I. Packer, a 20th century theologian had this to say about sex:
"What then is the place and purpose of sex? God intends, as the story of Eve’s creation from Adam shows, that the “one flesh” experience should be an expression and a heightening of the partner’s sense that, being given to each other, they now belong together, each needing the other for completion and wholeness.
Children are born from their relationship, but this is secondary: what is basic is the enriching of their relationship itself through their repeated “knowing” of each other as persons who belong to each other exclusively and without reserve."
God created sex first for the pleasure of a married couple, and secondly for procreation, reproduction.
This is what makes us different from all other of God’s creation. Animals are driven to each other for reproduction. You don’t see animals having sex for enjoyment – only for reproduction; but men and women come together for enjoyment and procreation is sometimes the outcome.
I love what J.I.Packer said, “Children are born from their relationship...” the result of our love making can be children which creates even more love in the home!
So as we start this morning I want to reiterate that God likes sex – He created sex – He wants us to enjoy sex in its proper context and design.
The only reason we get nervous about the topic of sex is that we’ve messed it up. We’ve either bought into the worlds perspective that LUST IS SEX and SEX IS AN ACTIVITY.
Lust IS NOT SEX and Sex is NOT AN ACTIVITY. Sex is a relationship!
That’s why there is NO SUCH THING as “safe sex” outside of a committed marriage relationship. Somehow we’ve bought into the idea that if we were to take away all of the health risks surrounding sex: pregnancy, AIDS, STDs – if we could remove those then we could have all the sex we wanted with whomever we wanted.
NO! Sex is a relationship first – and act last. When you give yourself to another person you are giving YOURSELF. Sex is too powerful and too personal to just give away outside of God’s design – it always rips and destroys when it is out of context.
So what is God’s recipe for sex?
We’re going to take the first part of the recipe this morning and then finish up next week – there’s too much to cover for just one morning.
FIRST, YOU’VE GOT TO FOLLOW THE RECIPE...
As we jump into God’s recipe for great sex, we need to reiterate the most OBVIOUS...if you’re going to have a good cookie...I mean a great sexual relationship – you’ve got to follow the right recipe.
The Bible is a great cookbook. It contains a lot of great recipes for life – and in First Corinthians chapter seven we get the basic recipe for sex that cooks:
But because sexual sin is a danger, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband. The husband should give his wife all that he owes her as his wife. And the wife should give her husband all that she owes him as her husband. The wife does not have full rights over her own body; her husband shares them. And the husband does not have full rights over his own body; his wife shares them. Do not refuse to give your bodies to each other, unless you both agree to stay away from sexual relations for a time so you can give your time to prayer. 1 Corinthians 7:2 - 5 (NCV)
I want you to underline two phrases – five words each – in this passage: all that he owes hers ... all that she owes him.
The fundamental principle in marriage is SERVICE. We are to serve each other selflessly, creatively, affectionately, sexually, regularly. That’s the point of First Corinthians chapter seven: serve each other – especially sexually!
Husbands, wives, part of your follow-ship of Christ is meeting your spouse’s sexual desires. That’s what it says right there! Enjoying a positive, regular sexual relationship with your husband or wife makes God happy – it honors God’s design.
“Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you...”
The big problem in a lot of marriages is that the “fountain” isn’t very blessed. Each spouse is more interested in getting their fill that they are not pouring out to the other.
The problem with following the recipe is that there are different cooks in the kitchen!
Terrie is a good cook. She loves to cook. You show her a picture of something and give her the recipe and she can pretty much make it look just perfect. I on the other hand like to cook as well, but I hate recipes and I never look at pictures of the finished produce. I want to just “throw and taste”: throw stuff in the pot and taste...then keep adding until it tastes right.
Can you imagine what kind of team we make in the kitchen? I’ve learned to back off and let her cook when she’s in the kitchen. She, on the other hand does the same when I’m at the stove. We can help each other – but we recognize and work with our differences.
It’s no different when we close the door to our bedroom. As a husband and wife, we’re different.
Here’s one of the biggest differences when it comes to the following the sex recipe: Men compartmentalize and women contextualize.
Guys, you know exactly what I’m talking about here: we can be in an argument with our wives one minute or working in the garage – maybe watching the game – and the next minute it’s, “Hey, Babe...” We don’t care if there are screaming kids in the living room or a house full of guests for Thanksgiving Dinner...it’s still, “Hey, babe...”
We have this great ability to FOCUS...sometimes too FOCUSed! Us guys, we can easily compartmentalize our sexual relationships. We can quickly forget about everything else and focus simply and totally on the joys at hand.
Gals, you are definitely NOT compartmentalized. You are contextualized. It’s not that you don’t want to enjoy the joys at hand – but you are contextualizing. For most women it’s the CONTEXT, the setting that matters most.
Ladies, it’s important that everything is just right OUTSIDE the bedroom for it to really work INSIDE the bedroom...right?
Guys, Gals...we’ve got to constantly remind ourselves that our spouses are different cooks than we are.
Ladies, you need to understand that your man is focused...that’s a good thing. You want him focused on YOU...and God has created men with focused minds. When his switch get’s turned on – relish in his focus and determination. Feed it. Encourage it. Give in to it. That’s the point of First Corinthians chapter seven.
Men, you need to understand that your woman needs the world right in order to really enjoy the joy. You can’t make everything perfect, you can’t fix the world – but you can help to make her world right.
Someone once said – sex begins in the kitchen. Guys, they were talking to us. If you want sparks at night – you need to start in the morning stoking the fire! More on that later...
If we want sex that cooks, we have to FOLLOW GOD’s RECIPE which means we not only need to understand that we are different cooks, but we must make sure that the RIGHT COOKS are working the recipe.
THE RIGHT COOKS:
Let me get this out straight – no mistaking:
GOD’S DESIGN – GOD’S RECIPE FOR SEX IS, HAS BEEN, AND ALWAYS WILL BE:
ONE MAN – ONE WOMAN – IN A COMMITTED MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP.
Can I say that again.... ONE MAN – ONE WOMAN – IN A COMMITTED MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP.
Now, let me add the rest of it...
SEX OUTSIDE OF A COMMITTED MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP IS ALWAYS WRONG.
I wish I could underline that, circle it, make it bigger than this building – sex outside of a committed marriage relationship is always wrong.
That’s not what I’m saying – that’s what God says. There is no way around it.
I don’t care what society is telling us. I don’t care how much you may love the other person, or if you feel like “friends with privileges” doesn’t hurt anyone. I don’t care of you’re engaged, living together, really care about each other – or if it’s just a one night stand – sex outside of a committed marriage relationship is always wrong.
I know there are some of you sitting there really wanting to argue with me.
First, some of you will say, “Paul, you just don’t understand my situation... We really love each other... we can’t get marriage...”
Others of you are thinking, “How can you be so judgmental? How dare you tell me how I can use my own body! It’s mine and I can do whatever I want with it?”
And still others are thinking... “Hey, what does on between two consenting adults is nobody else’s business.”
Well, even after all of that, God still says, “sex outside of a committed marriage relationship is always wrong.”
So...God just doesn’t want us to have any fun then! I mean why would God give us these parts, make them work so well, give us all of this passion and desire and then limit its use so exclusively?
God limits sex to a committed marriage relationship because of those exact reasons: sex is powerful, it’s so powerful that it’s not just an act.
SEX IS MULTIDIMENTIONAL: sex is emotional. Sex is psychological? Sex is physical. MUST MOST OF ALL – SEX IS SPIRITUAL.
“Sex is a very holy subject.” [Geddes MacGregor]
Sex is spiritual. Husbands and wives – you need to realize that sex within the context of your marriage bed is an act of worship to God. When you fully and completely give and receive from each other – you are honoring and worshipping God! That’s what He intended for both of you!
There are stings attached to sex: emotional, psychological, physical and spiritual. When you engage in sexual activity outside of marriage – you will eventually have to rip those strings and it always hurts.
There is always a long, hard fall – when sex takes place outside of a committed marriage relationship.
Do you know the BIGGEST reason I believe God warns against sex outside of a committed marriage relationship: because it makes you DULL.
Premarital or extramarital sex always leads to levels of guilt and pain. There is no way around that. Don’t believe what the pornography industry is trying to tell you – there is no easy, guilt free sex.
What there is is DULLness. Sex outside of a committed marriage relationship makes you DULL. Sex apart from a committed marriage relationship is all about YOU! It’s not about the other person no matter how hard you try to convince yourself. Sex apart from a God honoring marriage commitment is only about NOW.
- Committed marriage sex is about relationship and future.
- Outside marriage sex is about Committed marriage sex should always be about serving the other person.
- Outside marriage sex can never be about serving, because there is no commitmen
So if you want sex that really cooks – you need the right cooks as well as an understanding of the different way we as husbands and wives actually cook.
You’ve got to follow the recipe.
But you know...there are some recipe wreckers even in a committed marriage relationship and I want to share those before we close this down for the morning.
There are RECIPE WRECKERS in every committed marriage sexual relationship.
Guys...let’s look at guy recipe wreckers...
- Rick Rude: Rick is the dirty t-shirt wearing, B-O reeking dude who pinches his wives butt and simply says, “Hey Babe...how about it?” He doesn’t care that he needs a shave and a teeth cleaning. He doesn’t care that he’s been obnoxious and rude all day – or all month to his “little woman” – he’s in the mood.
- All Average: Al’s name says it all. He’s all about what everyone else is doing. He wants to make sure that he gets the proper quota filled. If the buddies at work are making it with their wives three times a week – then that’s what he’s after. He likes to know what others are up to and doesn’t want to be any less. For all, it’s more about how often than how great.
- Mark Monotony: Mark is...well, Mark is just boring. Once, years ago, Mark did something that his wife really enjoyed and from then on – that was how it was done. For Mark a great, creative date would be: dinner, movie sex...then dinner, movie, sex. Maybe for something different it might be dinner, sex and then a movie. Mark is just boring. No wonder his wife isn’t that interested in sex.
- Chris Critique: Chris critiques everything. He critques his wives housekeeping, mothering, cooking. Chris always has a better way to do everything. He is constantly putting down his wife (he calls it trying to help her), but close the bedroom door and he wants his wife hot and ready. He might even go so far as to complain about her lovemaking... [Chris Critique has been known to change his name to “Donnie-Don’t-Get-None” or “Ronald-Rest-In-Peace”.
OK, we’ve beat up on the guys enough – ladies, some of you own some recipe wreckers as well...”
- Tina Tired: Tina is very popular among her circle of friends. Tina’s favorite phrase is, “Not tonight, Honey, I’m just too tired. You know, carpooling the kids, work, house, dinner...kids...I’m just worn out...” But, let the phone ring and it be one of Tina’s friends or family and she can quickly be “up” and ready to talk for an hour or more. She’s got all the energy in the world for everything but her husband.
Side point: Fatigue is a real sex killer in marriage, but for most of us, fatigue is more mental than physical. One author said it this way – “sex is more between the ears than between the legs.”
We owe it to our spouses to not allow fatigue or weariness to rob us of an active, holy sexual relationship in our marriages. Ladies, this is where allowing your husbands “focus” to take the lead at times can be a real blessing for you. Sometimes you will take the lead and be focused – but here is a great rule for great sex in marriage:
RULE: When one initiates – the other should always creatively follow. Learn the art of spontaneous creativity. Don’t expect your spouse to always take the lead or make all the moves – when they start – you finish!
Think about this in your relationship with God. God always initiates His relationship with you – but He really longs for you to get actively involved and pursue Him! God pursues you. He wants you to pursue Him as well.
What a great illustration of a committed marriage relationship:
One initiates – the other pursues! It’s amazing how quickly fatigue can fade when you follow that rule!
- Susan Sweatshirt: Terrie touched on Susan’s issue last week. Susan was the best dressed while she was dating her husband, but now that he’s got him – how she looks is a distant second to just being “comfortable”. It doesn’t matter how I look. My hair doesn’t matter. My husband needs to understand how hard I work – I don’t have time for upkeep AND sex... Ladies, look your best for you man and watch how he responds! And guys – RESPOND, MAN, RESPOND. Nothing will make your wife look better than letting her know how much you like how she looks – and COOKS!
- Freda Freezer: Freda wouldn’t think once about feeding her husband or family frozen LEAN CUISINE dinners every night – but she wouldn’t even worry that she is serving herself to her husband with the same icy sexual responses. Sure there’s sex, but just get it over with...
- Then there is MONA: Mona doesn’t have a last name – she just moans, and I don’t mean in the bedroom. Mona complains about everything. Money, maintenance, her aches and pains, her kids, her day. Mona loves to build a huge mound and then shovel it on her husband. Then she wonders why he’s not that romantic.
Ladies, gentlemen: those are recipe wreckers. Did you see yourself in there anywhere?
God’s recipe for great sex is:
One man – one woman – inside a committed marriage relationship. But, you’ve got to have the RIGHT COOKS cooking the right way.
The best part about First Corinthians chapter seven is that – the recipe can be added to. You can add lots of stuff you can add to the recipe to make it better and better. Add the right stuff and the recipe gets even sweeter, richer, bigger and better!
Next week we’ll take on the rest of the ingredients for sex that really cooks, but for this morning I want to challenge you with several commitments to the recipe:
#1: Make a commitment to FOLLOW GOD’s RECIPE.
- This may mean changing you present lifestyle. Some of you may need to ask God for a “do over”. You may need to get yourself out of a wrong sexual relationship.
- That is going to be one of the hardest things you will ever do – but I promise you – GOD’S WORD promises you that when you follow His recipe the end will be better than you can ever imagine!
- This will mean for some of you making a commitment to “not going there”.
- You are about to face some real temptation to give into the worlds attitudes about sex
- You’re going to be pushed toward pornography, sex before and outside of marriage – homosexuality or other sexual experiences that God warns will do nothing but hurt you in the end – don’t go there.
- You are about to face pressure that will seem almost impossible to overcome
- I’m here to tell you, you can live out a commitment to sexual purity.
- If you’ve already crossed the line – admit that to God, accept His forgiveness and start over. It’s never too late to live pure for God and allow Him to give you His best.
- For those of you in committed marriage relationships – I bet it’s time to renew that commitment. Before each other and especially before God it’s time to say – no more. No more recipe wreckers and no more seeking cheap thrills through looks or out-of-bound relationships. It’s time to...
“Drink water from your own well—share your love only with your wife (or husband)...Let your wife (or husband) be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth...Let her (him)...satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by [their] love.” Proverbs 5:15-23
I shared at the beginning of this talk that there was way too much to cover in just one week – so we’ll pick up on some more powerful specifics next Sunday and show you how to really make the sex cook!
For today – this week – are you ready, are you willing to trust God enough to follow His recipe for great sex?
Let’s bow in prayer – and let me pray with you through your commitment this morning.
To download the audio version of this message click here.
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