|
|
||
|
When Home Feels Like A Battleship |
||
|
“Battleship!” Does that describe your home environment at times? It’s not that we don’t love our spouses or kids. It’s that we can’t always get along. Friction is inevitable! When people are close together they are eventually going to rub each other the wrong way. Friction…Frustration…Heat…Anger…the cycle almost seems unstoppable. But what if I could give you a way to actually defuse that anger; the anger inside of you and the anger that is inside the other person? It’s possible! It’s doable! But first let’s talk about anger for a couple of minutes.
For several years this musician’s “tame lion” was a big hit with house guests. It never acted like a dangerous predator, only like a big, playful pet. Then one day without warning the worst thing possible happened. The musician and his wife had a child and for whatever reason, they lost track of the little child, that is until they heard the terrible screaming. When they arrived at the lions cage they found it had somehow been opened and the little boy was dead. What had started as a cute little cub eventually grew into a fierce animal that simply acted out it’s nature. Anger is just like that! It starts out so small an innocent and grows. We would never dream of allowing viciousness or violence into our homes, but we accept hurtful words and actions. What we have to realize is those little words often grow into full blown anger. It’s hard to keep emotions such as anger under control. It’s interesting that the Bible even warns us about not letting our anger turn into sin. So, apparently, that though all anger is not sinful, all anger can lead to sin. Ephesians 4:26 says, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry”. That’s almost a direct quote of Psalm 4:4, “When you are angry, do not sin. Think about these things quietly as you go to bed.” James 1:19 says it this way, “be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Your anger can never make things right in God’s sight”. Do you see the key from all three of these verses?
You see, anger is an immediate emotion. Anger is about the “right now”. I know you are thinking, “Pastor Paul, you don’t understand, my anger takes a long time to build.” That may be true, but when it does explode it’s usually not about waiting. Anger may take a long time to explode, but the slow burn is almost as bad as the final explosion! How do you deal with anger: it starts by waiting… “slow to speak, and slow to get angry”. So learn to wait. Take time. Think through the issue before you blow up. Learn to listen, first to God and then to whoever you are angry at. Listen to what James 1:20 says, “Your anger can never make things right in God’s sight.” The point: anger doesn’t really work. You may think you are getting your way, but you are only hurting the relationship. You may win the battle, but you will lose the war! What does anger do to you?
Physically: ulcerative colitis, toxic goiters, high blood pressure Emotionally: depression, bitterness, resentment Mental: “The moment I start hating a man I become his slave. I can’t enjoy my work anymore because he controls my thoughts. My resentments produce too many stress hormones in my body and I become fatigued after only a few hours of work…I can’t escape his tyrannical grasp on my mind…my hate will not allow me to enjoy the taste of my food” Proverbs 15:17 says, “A bowl of soup with someone you love is better than steak with someone you hate.” But even more drastic than destroying our health… Anger causes us to lose our ability to live closely to God. I John 2:9 &11 says, “If anyone says, “I am living in the light” but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is still living in darkness….Anyone who hates a Christian brother or sister is living and walking in darkness. Such a person is lost, having been blinded by the darkness.” I John 4 tells us it’s impossible to love God if you don’t love others: “if we don’t love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we have not seen?” Anger stunts your spiritual growth. Anger stunts your family’s growth. It’s hard, probably impossible, to grow close to someone you are angry with. Anger hurts you more than it hurts the person you are angry with! And it usually hurts them a lot! Anger hurts because it causes others to close their spirit to you.
Think of yourself as an open hand. Touch the palm of your hand – the palm represents your body. Now touch your knuckles - that represents your soul, your feelings and emotions Now touch the tips of your fingers – that area represents your spirit, your inner most being. When you get angry you begin to close your “hand” to the other person.
How do you know when your closed to someone or they are closed to you. I doubt I have to name any of the following, but let’s do it anyway. - tense feelings - augmentative spirit - loss of physical intimacy - and all those negative “non-verbals” But, honestly, you don’t have to be told that someone has closed themselves to you – you usually just know it! Anger hurts. It hurts our relationship with God and with others. Ask yourself this question: “Am I an angry person?” I bet most of you will answer “no, of course not”. Well then, ask yourself this question: “Do I sense that someone else has closed their spirit to me?” How about this one: “Have I been angry or has someone else been angry at me this past week?” Husbands and wives…think back to the last really heated “discussion” you had with your spouse. Parents…think back to the last argument you had with your kids. Kids, how about the last time you fought with your parents? None of us want to live around people with closed spirits. None of us want to live on a Battleship, we want to live in a real home. So here’s the answer. Here are five attitudes/actions that will open a closed spirit. That is the keep to changing a Battleship into a close home. These are the keys to moving from a CLOSED spirit to one that is open. Here we go…
A fist is a good illustration of a closed spirit. A fist is often used to hurt someone else. That’s what a closed spirit does as well. So how to do move from a “closed fist” (spirit) to an open hand (open spirit)? You start opening the fingers, usually one by one. Let’s start with the smallest of fingers. Let that pinkie represent BECOMING SOFT AND TENDER. When you find yourself getting angry, calm yourself down and act the opposite. When you’re angry you want to strike out – so do the opposite. Force yourself to be soft and tender with both your words and your actions. You can’t do that sarcastically – it’s got to be real. I know what you are thinking, “Pastor Paul you don’t understand, I’m ANGRY! How can I be soft and tender when I really want to strike back.” Proverbs tells us that “A gentle answer will calm a person’s anger, but an unkind answer will cause more anger.” (Proverbs 15:1) I know it’s not what you are feeling but it’s what works. Do you know the definition of neurosis? It’s continuing to do something that isn’t working. I’ve got a Dachshund that loves to sit at our plate glass door and lick the window. She’s assuming that eventually the licking will cause the door to open. She’ll sit and lick the window for 20 minutes even if nothing happens. She’s neurotic! We do the same thing with our anger! We strike back assuming that will fix the problem. It didn’t fix it the last time we struck back – so why do we assume it will work this time. It doesn’t! We get very neurotic with our anger! What works? A gentle answer; a soft and tender answer will calm a person’s anger. So we start by responding with tenderness – don’t become harsh. If you find yourself becoming harsh, back up and start being kind. I love that verse in the New Testament letter to the Ephesians, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of malicious behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4:23) Now that your pinkie is out there – open up your ring finger. Your ring finger represents the second attitude or action – UNDERSTANDING. Seek to understand the person who is angry at you or with whom you are angry. This takes us back to our key verse for this morning: “be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” (James 1:19). Be quick to listen! LISTEN! Really listen! Then try to genuinely understand the issue. Listen to what Proverbs has to say about understanding others… “Those who control their anger have great understanding;…” Proverbs 14:29
“Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions.” (Proverbs 18:2) “Tune your ears to wisdom, and concentrate on understanding.” Proverbs 2:2 Did you get that last one… “tune your ears”. You want to get past the anger and open the spirit – tune in and listen! You know, I would bet that over ninety percent of what you get angry about is simply misunderstandings. We jump too quickly into the conversation before we have heard the whole matter. So be soft and tender and seek to really, genuinely understand. The middle finger represents ACKNOWLEDGE. It’s the longest of the fingers and the center of the hand – it is pivotal to opening the spirit. We must be willing to accept the other person’s feelings, that they are hurting. Remember this – hurting people hurt people! If you meet someone who is angry – they are hurting inside. If you have made them angry – even if you feel you did nothing wrong - you need to be sensitive enough to realize that something is hurting them. There have been times when people have been rude to me, for no apparent reason. I’ve had to acknowledge that they are hurting. It’s not about whether or not they are hurting me at the moment, but that they hurt. If I am able to respond to their hurt instead of striking back it almost always softens the situation. So take the energy to really understand and acknowledge their hurt. That’s not too hard if you have already attempted to understand them. Proverbs again tells us, “knowledge comes easily to those with understanding.” (Proverbs 14:6). OK, two more fingers to go. Be soft and tender Seek to genuinely understand Acknowledge that they are hurting Now open your index finger – that represents TOUCH. Yeah, I know, sometimes when you are angry you feel like touching with your fist closed, but that’s not the point here! We’re talking about dealing with anger and opening our spirits not beating someone else’s spirit senseless. Touch. Touch them gently. Sometimes a hand on the shoulder or a purposeful handshake can go along way to easing the tension. I find that when Terrie and I (or even the kids) get into a tense situation that it’s hard to get too tense if we are staying connected. Often Terrie and I will purposefully sit next to each other and hold hands, because we want to physically stay connected. It’s also a good way to know if what we are doing is not working because if it’s not one of us will begin to pull away. It’s interesting to me how many times in the Gospels it talked about Jesus touching someone or them reaching out to touch Him. Did He need to touch them to heal them? Obviously not, Jesus could just speak or think and the healing could have taken place; but He chose to touch. A vital part to healing the anger is getting to the place where you can reach out and touch that other person in a meaningful way. Be soft and tender Seek to genuinely understand Acknowledge that they are hurting Touch Only one finger left and that’s the thumb, the strongest of the five fingers and the one that it would be almost impossible to live without and still be able to use our hand. The thumb represents FORGIVENESS When I was little we used to play a game with our hands. Someone would put something into their hands, usually something very small. They would then make a fist around the object and the other person would desperately try to get the hand open. They would really work on loosening those fingers. They might get the pinkie undone and maybe the ring finger – but until they got my thumb, I still had control of the game. Anger is just like that! Until you are willing to forgive the other person you will always be angry. Until you get the thumb to let loose, to open up, until you really forgive the other person you will never be able to open your spirit to them and they will not be open to you. Forgive. “be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4:23) Seek forgiveness and then wait for a response. This isn’t just saying you are sorry, this is honestly seeking forgiveness. That’s risky, because it often puts us into a very vulnerable position. The other person may wish to keep venting or may not be ready to forgive – but our job is to honestly seek forgiveness. We totally open our spirit to the other person. And when our spirit is open to those around it it allows God’s Spirit to powerfully work through us. Ephesians 4:3 tells us to “Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” When you find yourself becoming angry or you already know you are living on that Battleship at home – follow these five attitudes Be soft and tender Seek to genuinely understand Acknowledge that they are hurting TOUCH FORGIVE and seek forgiveness.
(* Portions of this material can be found in “Love Is A Decision” © 1989 Gary Smalley and John Trent, WORD Publishing ISBN 0-8499-0721-7)
|
||
|
|
||
|
(c) Paul Newell 2003 FamilyFellowship Church P.O. Box 465, Beaumont, CA 92223 |
||
|
|
|
|
In
his book, Love Is A Decision, Gary Smalley tells the story of a
famous musician who decided he wanted a lion cub. All he wanted was a cute
little cub. He eventually convinced the local authorities to give him a
permit and he built a beautiful cage for the cuddly little animal.
The
key to dealing with anger is waiting.
First,
anger destroys your health
The
first to close is your spirit, then your emotions and then your body. It
always goes in that order. 
Look
at your hand again…what does it look like when it’s closed? That’s right,
a fist.